Apparently when you are as old as my grandma, nothing is funny. Burping in someone's face? Not funny. Laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose? Not funny. Talking about peeing your pants? Not funny. Smiling at grandma? Well, you better stop smiling because it is NOT funny.
To grandma, there is nothing about her situation that is funny and you may agree with her. It certainly is not funny to fall and break your hip and you wouldn't want someone laughing at you as you try to recover. However, before you call some elderly activist organization and report me for chronicling my grandmother's antics...I'd like to tell you what she actually does think is funny: abusing others.
- My uncle John and aunt Maria drove to Florida from New York to spend some time with grandma. They spent a few weeks visiting her in the nursing home and running her various errands. Uncle John is a pretty funny guy to most people, but not to grandma. She especially hates when he jokes about walking. As grandma would say, "why do I have to walk when I can sit in a chair and watch TV?" After playfully harassing grandma to get out of her wheelchair and walk to the bathroom, grandma decided it was time for him to be punished for what she thought was not funny. We helped her in to the bathroom, sat her delicately on the toilet and shut the door for privacy. About two minutes later, she starts screaming, "I FELL! I FELL! HELP!" My mom runs into the bathroom only to find grandma laughing like a maniac. "Why did you scream?! Don't scream like that!" mom shouted. "I was just trying to scare John," grandma replied, laughing so hard she was crying. "Now get out so I can pee."
- Old people bruise easily. You could touch an old person's arm with a feather and a large, purple bruise would appear. Last week, grandma had a gigantic bruise on her forearm. We supposed she accidentally hit the guardrail on her bed while sleeping or something similar. Grandma didn't really care how she got the bruise, she just wanted to know how she could use it to her advantage. At 4:30 p.m., her physical therapist arrived. She had been trying to talk me out of making her go to therapy all day, so I was pretty surprised to see her leave without a fight. Twenty minutes later she's back, in tears. "What happened?!" I asked. The therapist explained that her arm hurt and he thought she needed a break so her bruise could heal. As he walks out the door, grandma winks at me. "Does your arm really hurt?" I asked. She just laughs, "I didn't do any therapy today."
- I may have mentioned how much my grandma loves to go to the bathroom, but the bathroom is absolutely not funny. If you so much as look at her the wrong way near the bathroom, you're done. Yesterday, Mimi stopped by for a visit after work. This was the same time grandma decided to become super man and fly to the bathroom like a bat out of hell. Mimi must have been astonished by grandma's new found strength and determination because she was kind of staring. The staring didn't last long and she turned to the TV where there was a two-legged dog hopping around a stage. Of course this would be on TV right now and of course, it was funny. Mimi laughed. She turned back to look and grandma and was met with this gem..."YOU WANT SOME GLASSES SO YOU CAN SEE ME BETTER?! ....IT'S NOT FUNNY!" I turned to grandma and whispered, "don't be so mean to Mimi. She's not laughing at you." Again, she responds with a laugh, "I know...I'm just joking around" and she starts singing "hooo hoooo hoooooooo....haaaa haaa haaaaaa...heee heee heeeeeeeee."
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