Actual Date: September 30, 2010
Usually my afternoon shifts with grandma are fairly uneventful. We watch Judge Joe Brown and every edition of the evening news before bedtime. It's a thrill a minute.
Early in my shift, a nurse suggested grandma receive a shower. Grandma suggested the nurse "fuck off" (in so many words) and that pretty much set the tone for the rest of my day. A Xanax was certainly in order and grandma needed one too. About an hour later, my favorite lady was high as a kite and ready to party.
Now all of this may sound like you're typical nursing home experience. We all know old people can be cranky and like their pills, but today I learned they can also be hilarious.
After enjoying a plate of mystery meat, grandma started falling asleep. I tried to wake her several times and each time she pretended she hadn't been sleeping. One time, she picked up a noodle and started laughing like she had pierced a tiny clown on her fork.
Eventually, I suggested we get ready for bed and met the same demise as our shower nurse. However, my real punishment was to come later. I convinced her it was time to change and led her to the bathroom. While she was doing her business, she called for me to come in and help.
"What do you need grandma," I asked.
"I have to tell you a secret," she replied, giggling like a drunk sorority girl. "Come over here."
That's when it happened. Sweet,caring granddaughter leaned in close to hear the precious secret of her darling grandma...she farted. She FARTED in my face.
"Awesome. Hadn't heard that one before..." I replied as she began laughing.
Finally I manage to get the jokester in bed and clean up her room. Just as I collapse in the stiff guest chair, I look up and my grandma's roommate is stripping naked. Miss Vivian is feverishly taking her clothes off as her nurse demands, "Miss Vivian, stop! Keep your clothes on!" The old woman just laughs and laughs and strips some more.
And who said aging isn't fun?
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