Before I arrived for my afternoon hospital visit, my mom informed me that she had an explanation for Catheter Crisis 2010. Before I explain the situation, I'd like to once again point out that my mom is a nurse and I have nothing but respect for nurses. They make the world go round, blah, blah blah. Anyway, the nurse informed my mom that she put the catheter in so she wouldn't have to take my grandma to the bathroom during her shift. She literally said "it's a matter of convenience." I think she's confused. I take grandma to the bathroom and the catheter is inconvenient. Let me explain.
Grandma was happy as a clam this afternoon. She was sitting in her chair smiling, having a ball. I haven't seen her look this good since we left the nursing home and I was thrilled. Then she had to go to the bathroom. Here's the problem: just because your nurse has been blessed with a catheter and installs it in your vagina, it doesn't mean you stop having the urge to pee. Furthermore, a 91 year-old woman who has never seen a computer and hates Dr. Oz is not going to understand how a catheter operates. She wanted to use the toilet. Like a grown up, human being.
"I have to go to the bathroom," grandma said. "Megan, you can take me, OK?"
"Do you have to poop?" I reply, knowing that if she has to poop we can go to the bathroom, but nothing is going to happen if she just has to pee. She says she doesn't have to poop and I explain that unless she has to poop, the catheter will take care of the pee for her.
"So I just sit here any pee my pants?! If I pee my pants, you have to tell the nurse why you didn't take me to the bathroom. I don't want to pee my pants!!" At this point she's yelling at me and turning red. I completely understand as I also would not want to pee my pants.
I don't know how many times I explained how the catheter works. I even drew a picture of a stick figure with a tube in her bladder.
"Why does the stick person have three legs?" she said when she saw my picture.
"It's not legs...it's a tube that is inside your bladder," I replied. "It sucks the pee out like a drain."
"OK fine. I want to go to the bathroom."
Fantastic. A nurse came in and did some explaining about the catheter. It wasn't very helpful, but she gets points for trying. When she left, grandma relaxed and I thought we were in the clear. Maybe I could get her in bed in time for Jeopardy.
Suddenly, I look over and she's rocketing out of her chair screaming, "I HAVE TO POOP NOW!!!!"
So I leap over the bed and run to grab her before she falls on the floor and starts shitting in the air, Miss Vivian style. I've never seen grandma move so fast. She was practically running for the bathroom and threw herself on the toilet just in time for the loudest fart I have ever heard. I'm certain I have suffered irreparable hearing damage from that sonic boom.
"Nurse Catheter is toast..." I think to myself as I'm getting grandma cleaned up and back into bed.
I just can't see the convenience in this whole catheter situation.
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