Everyone Poops

Whether you like it or not, poop is a very important part of your life. In fact, if you are not pooping regularly, I suggest you stop reading, call Jamie Lee Curtis and ask her to drop off a case of Activia.

Unfortunately, if you are taking as many pain pills as my grandma, no amount of poop-inducing yogurt is going to help you. Everyone was getting a little worried because we couldn't even remember the last time grandma pooped.

Well, it finally happened and I was there (alone, of course) for the joyous occasion. I was happy for grandma and I thought she would share my sentiment, but all she cared about was...The Amazing Race. Yes, that's right -- she was more concerned about missing a new episode of The Amazing Race than her first poop in what may have been a week.

"We're going to miss The Amazing Race!!" she shouted. "Hurry! Hurry!"

Now, without going into too much detail, if you haven't pooped in a long time, the stuff that comes out smells horrific. It's terrible and if you don't poop in a long time, your poop will also smell terrible. That's life, people.

So there I was...praying God would take away my sense of smell, trying to clean up and get us out of there while she screamed about some terrible reality TV show. For Christ's sake the show is on CBS and that network hasn't broadcast a good show in decades. What was she really going to miss?

Luckily, I managed to wheel her in front of the TV just in time for the opening credits. Success! I took a deep breath, sat down on the couch and looked over to see my grandma...sleeping.

Catheter Crisis 2010: The Continuation

Before I arrived for my afternoon hospital visit, my mom informed me that she had an explanation for Catheter Crisis 2010. Before I explain the situation, I'd like to once again point out that my mom is a nurse and I have nothing but respect for nurses. They make the world go round, blah, blah blah. Anyway, the nurse informed my mom that she put the catheter in so she wouldn't have to take my grandma to the bathroom during her shift. She literally said "it's a matter of convenience." I think she's confused. I take grandma to the bathroom and the catheter is inconvenient. Let me explain.

Grandma was happy as a clam this afternoon. She was sitting in her chair smiling, having a ball. I haven't seen her look this good since we left the nursing home and I was thrilled. Then she had to go to the bathroom. Here's the problem: just because your nurse has been blessed with a catheter and installs it in your vagina, it doesn't mean you stop having the urge to pee. Furthermore, a 91 year-old woman who has never seen a computer and hates Dr. Oz is not going to understand how a catheter operates. She wanted to use the toilet. Like a grown up, human being.

"I have to go to the bathroom," grandma said. "Megan, you can take me, OK?"

"Do you have to poop?" I reply, knowing that if she has to poop we can go to the bathroom, but nothing is going to happen if she just has to pee. She says she doesn't have to poop and I explain that unless she has to poop, the catheter will take care of the pee for her.

"So I just sit here any pee my pants?! If I pee my pants, you have to tell the nurse why you didn't take me to the bathroom. I don't want to pee my pants!!" At this point she's yelling at me and turning red. I completely understand as I also would not want to pee my pants.

I don't know how many times I explained how the catheter works. I even drew a picture of a stick figure with a tube in her bladder.

"Why does the stick person have three legs?" she said when she saw my picture.

"It's not legs...it's a tube that is inside your bladder," I replied. "It sucks the pee out like a drain."

"OK fine. I want to go to the bathroom."

Fantastic. A nurse came in and did some explaining about the catheter. It wasn't very helpful, but she gets points for trying. When she left, grandma relaxed and I thought we were in the clear. Maybe I could get her in bed in time for Jeopardy.

Suddenly, I look over and she's rocketing out of her chair screaming, "I HAVE TO POOP NOW!!!!"

So I leap over the bed and run to grab her before she falls on the floor and starts shitting in the air, Miss Vivian style. I've never seen grandma move so fast. She was practically running for the bathroom and threw herself on the toilet just in time for the loudest fart I have ever heard. I'm certain I have suffered irreparable hearing damage from that sonic boom.

"Nurse Catheter is toast..." I think to myself as I'm getting grandma cleaned up and back into bed.

I just can't see the convenience in this whole catheter situation.

This Only Happens to Me...

Actual Date: September 27, 2010

Today seemed like a good day to take the morning shift at the nursing home. When I walked into my grandma's room, I realized I had made a terrible mistake. Slowly, a strange burning smell started creeping our way. I saw a fire truck outside and assumed something in the kitchen was burning or maybe an idiot student nurse lit a match near an oxygen tank. No big deal, but the smell kept getting worse. I started to walk out of the room to ask the nurses what was going on when I realized it was not fire, it was shit. The woman in the bed next to my grandma was on her stomach shitting into the sky. It was like the Fountains of Bellagio of Shit or The Mirage Shit Volcano.

Luckily, the physical therapist came to take my grandma for her workout and I bolted. I was so happy to be in my car and away from the flying, smelly shit fountain of a woman. I was just taking a swig of water to clear the shit from my throat when I noticed a speed trap. Luckily, I was driving the speed limit so I just pushed on thinking I was innocent. Again, I was wrong. The cop walked right out in front of my car and demanded I pull over. Now I'm pissed. The cop asks, "don't you know you're supposed to change lanes for emergency vehicles?" Yes, I know this rule, but something in me says the City of Orlando's speed trap does not qualify as an emergency.

"I didn't realize I didn't to pull over for a speed trap," I replied. The cop was not pleased and demanded to see my license. Despite what you may think, I'm actually much smarter than I look. "I'm sorry, I forgot my wallet at home and I was just running back home to get it. I was visiting my grandma at the nursing home around the corner. Look, I'm sorry for being a smart ass, but I'm from Nevada and I just moved here. There's no law about pulling over for cops in Nevada. You only have to pull over for ambulances and fire trucks." I have no idea if this is true and I'm also pretty sure you have to pull over for cops in Nevada, so I was just crossing my fingers this guy also had not moved from Las Vegas a few weeks ago. I was taking my chances.

"Well you're in Florida now and this is the law. The ticket is $164 and three points on your license. I'm not going to give you a ticket because I don't want to look up your out-of-state plate. Pay attention and get out of here."

I got out of there alright and thanked Jesus he didn't notice my busted taillight.