This Only Happens to Me...

Actual Date: September 27, 2010

Today seemed like a good day to take the morning shift at the nursing home. When I walked into my grandma's room, I realized I had made a terrible mistake. Slowly, a strange burning smell started creeping our way. I saw a fire truck outside and assumed something in the kitchen was burning or maybe an idiot student nurse lit a match near an oxygen tank. No big deal, but the smell kept getting worse. I started to walk out of the room to ask the nurses what was going on when I realized it was not fire, it was shit. The woman in the bed next to my grandma was on her stomach shitting into the sky. It was like the Fountains of Bellagio of Shit or The Mirage Shit Volcano.

Luckily, the physical therapist came to take my grandma for her workout and I bolted. I was so happy to be in my car and away from the flying, smelly shit fountain of a woman. I was just taking a swig of water to clear the shit from my throat when I noticed a speed trap. Luckily, I was driving the speed limit so I just pushed on thinking I was innocent. Again, I was wrong. The cop walked right out in front of my car and demanded I pull over. Now I'm pissed. The cop asks, "don't you know you're supposed to change lanes for emergency vehicles?" Yes, I know this rule, but something in me says the City of Orlando's speed trap does not qualify as an emergency.

"I didn't realize I didn't to pull over for a speed trap," I replied. The cop was not pleased and demanded to see my license. Despite what you may think, I'm actually much smarter than I look. "I'm sorry, I forgot my wallet at home and I was just running back home to get it. I was visiting my grandma at the nursing home around the corner. Look, I'm sorry for being a smart ass, but I'm from Nevada and I just moved here. There's no law about pulling over for cops in Nevada. You only have to pull over for ambulances and fire trucks." I have no idea if this is true and I'm also pretty sure you have to pull over for cops in Nevada, so I was just crossing my fingers this guy also had not moved from Las Vegas a few weeks ago. I was taking my chances.

"Well you're in Florida now and this is the law. The ticket is $164 and three points on your license. I'm not going to give you a ticket because I don't want to look up your out-of-state plate. Pay attention and get out of here."

I got out of there alright and thanked Jesus he didn't notice my busted taillight.