Everyone Poops

Whether you like it or not, poop is a very important part of your life. In fact, if you are not pooping regularly, I suggest you stop reading, call Jamie Lee Curtis and ask her to drop off a case of Activia.

Unfortunately, if you are taking as many pain pills as my grandma, no amount of poop-inducing yogurt is going to help you. Everyone was getting a little worried because we couldn't even remember the last time grandma pooped.

Well, it finally happened and I was there (alone, of course) for the joyous occasion. I was happy for grandma and I thought she would share my sentiment, but all she cared about was...The Amazing Race. Yes, that's right -- she was more concerned about missing a new episode of The Amazing Race than her first poop in what may have been a week.

"We're going to miss The Amazing Race!!" she shouted. "Hurry! Hurry!"

Now, without going into too much detail, if you haven't pooped in a long time, the stuff that comes out smells horrific. It's terrible and if you don't poop in a long time, your poop will also smell terrible. That's life, people.

So there I was...praying God would take away my sense of smell, trying to clean up and get us out of there while she screamed about some terrible reality TV show. For Christ's sake the show is on CBS and that network hasn't broadcast a good show in decades. What was she really going to miss?

Luckily, I managed to wheel her in front of the TV just in time for the opening credits. Success! I took a deep breath, sat down on the couch and looked over to see my grandma...sleeping.