Hanging In There...

We're doing just that -- hanging in there. The past week has been a roller coaster for us. Grandma took a serious turn for the worst and we do spend every night wondering if we'll get to see her in the morning. It is terribly hard to watch someone you love go through an experience like this, but we are thankful for the time we're spending with her and the fact that no matter how bad it gets, grandma still acts like grandma.

She spends a lot of time sleeping, yelling at God and listening to Dean Martin. We like to shuffle in some Rod Stewart, but Dean Martin's "Italian Love Songs" are just soooo dreamy.

Every once in a while, grandma wakes up to let us know how she's feeling. She has some trouble communicating and sometimes gets people mixed up, but when she really wants to tell you something...she'll tell you. This morning my mom was asking her a lot of rapid fire questions..."Are you in pain? Do you want to listen to music? How about some water?" That's sometimes the only way you can get a response and in this particular instance she snapped, "shut up, Maryanne!"

After not speaking for several days, my grandmother informed me that she would like me to purchase some ex lax and find out who was going to be taking her to church on Sunday. God, if you're listening...I would not want to know what she had planned for you.

Finally, grandma's most hated activity is the inevitable time of day when we have to give her a bath. My mom rolled her over to me at which point grandma grabbed my arm with the strength of ten men and whispered "Get me out of here."

So if you've been curious, we're all hanging in there. Grandma will find peace when she is ready and until then, we'll just keep loving her.

Over the past two months, grandma has had some really great days and some really bad days. Today was a really bad day.

It may be that by the time you read this post, we will have said goodbye to our favorite lady.

I am honored to have shared with you the last few stories of my life with my grandma. She is a beautiful person whose generous heart, warm smile and hilarious disposition has taught me so many wonderful things.

My family and I appreciate your prayers for peace and hope you will keep my grandma's memory in your heart.

Another Delivery!

We just received another gift from the home health people....a hoyer lift!Hoyer lifts are used to assist caretakers in lifting patients out of bed. Every morning, I literally pick up my grandma and stand her up on her feet. I'm pretty strong, but it is a tough job. So my mom asked the home health people if they had anything that could help and this is what we got.

We thought we would try it ourselves before making any attempts with grandma

.

The first step is to load the patient into the sling. We had some trouble with this, as the lift began to descend on my mom like a claw. Eventually, we got it to work.

Next, you crank the patient in the air.


Finally, you place a wheelchair underneath the patient and then they drop into it.

There is no way in hell grandma is going to let us put her in this contraption....but we're keeping it anyway.

...

...FedEx just dropped off another package full of these...that's right...another package full of enemas...

HELP!

Everyone Poops

Whether you like it or not, poop is a very important part of your life. In fact, if you are not pooping regularly, I suggest you stop reading, call Jamie Lee Curtis and ask her to drop off a case of Activia.

Unfortunately, if you are taking as many pain pills as my grandma, no amount of poop-inducing yogurt is going to help you. Everyone was getting a little worried because we couldn't even remember the last time grandma pooped.

Well, it finally happened and I was there (alone, of course) for the joyous occasion. I was happy for grandma and I thought she would share my sentiment, but all she cared about was...The Amazing Race. Yes, that's right -- she was more concerned about missing a new episode of The Amazing Race than her first poop in what may have been a week.

"We're going to miss The Amazing Race!!" she shouted. "Hurry! Hurry!"

Now, without going into too much detail, if you haven't pooped in a long time, the stuff that comes out smells horrific. It's terrible and if you don't poop in a long time, your poop will also smell terrible. That's life, people.

So there I was...praying God would take away my sense of smell, trying to clean up and get us out of there while she screamed about some terrible reality TV show. For Christ's sake the show is on CBS and that network hasn't broadcast a good show in decades. What was she really going to miss?

Luckily, I managed to wheel her in front of the TV just in time for the opening credits. Success! I took a deep breath, sat down on the couch and looked over to see my grandma...sleeping.

Are You There God? It's Me, Grandma

I suppose my family and our relationship with God is pretty unique. Obviously we care enough about this whole religion thing to not throw out Mary Queen of the Dryer, but we simply cannot give up a Sunday morning to attend church. Grandma, on the other hand, went to church every Sunday and as I am learning, speaks to God on a regular basis.

Attempting any task (walking, bathroom, shower, eating, watching TV, staring at the wall, etc.) involves a number of conversations with God. Although, there isn't much dialogue. Here is how it goes...

Grandma: Oh God, help me God. God...Where is God? God help me...God dammit.

God: *silence*

This continues until the task is completed. Now...either God's voice is similar to a dog whistle and only grandmas can hear it or...God isn't talking back. I don't think that means God is ignoring us, but it is getting on my nerves. God is not heaving grandma out of bed. God is not dispensing medications. God is not doing the laundry and cleaning the house. God doesn't even watch Jeopardy with us.

I'm not looking for any credit, but maybe God could pipe in and let her know that yelling for him isn't going to get her butt wiped any faster.

Honey, We're Home!

After two months of rehab and one trip to the hospital, grandma is finally home! I've been spending the last few days making her house walker/wheelchair accessible and moving in my stuff. Yes, that is right...I now live with grandma.

I was a little nervous, but grandma is a pretty good roommate and her first night home was fairly low key. After arriving in the afternoon, we enjoyed some Chinese food delivered by my mom and sister. Then we watched TV...a lot of TV...so much TV that I thought my brain was turning to mush. Luckily my brain stayed in tact because grandma demanded I clean the house before the nurse (home health care) showed up for her assessment.

"This place is a mess! What is that box over there? Megan....what is that tiny speck of paper in the corner, under the sofa? It's hot in here. What is that outside?" I was worried she might start asking about why the sky is blue and where babies come from.

So the place was clean, the nurse came and left (2 hours later...), we ate our zippy toast and finally it was time for bed. Grandma is used to going to bed at 6:30 or 7, so this new 8:30 bedtime was a stretch for her. She literally hit the pillow and was asleep. It was too good to be true.

After mushing my brain with a few more hours of TV, I decided I should go to bed too. Of course, I would be the one with insomnia. I had my alarm set for 5 a.m. (that's when she gets her first course of pills in the morning) and I suppose I was just too excited to sleep. I think I stayed up most of the night, which would normally be OK...but my day started at 4:36 a.m.

"I can't get out of this bed! Help me!" grandma screamed.

I went in to learn grandma was desperate to get to the bathroom. No problem. We just have to get up. Uh oh...problem. You try getting a barely awake, 91-year-old woman out of bed. I don't think I've ever worked so hard in my life. I also realized I have the strength of ten men as I literally hoisted her up on to her feet. We made it to the bathroom and then she didn't want to go back to sleep? Well, the manual labor wore me out and I was really ready to go to sleep. I wheeled her in the living room, plopped her in front of the TV and I crashed on the couch.

This is going to be more difficult than I thought...